Am I a people pleaser?

People pleasing, White Knight Syndrome, and Black Knight Syndrome are behaviors deeply rooted in cognitive processes. They involve specific patterns of thought that drive individuals to prioritize the needs of others, often at the expense of their own well-being. From a cognitive standpoint, these behaviors can be understood by examining the underlying thoughts, beliefs, and emotional responses that contribute to their development and persistence. Let's delve deeper into each behavior from a clinical psychology perspective.

People Pleasing Behavior

 People Pleasing

1. Definition and Cognitive Basis:

People pleasing is characterized by a compulsion to win the approval and acceptance of others. Cognitively, it stems from a combination of beliefs and thought patterns, including:

Core Beliefs: People pleasers often hold core beliefs that their self-worth is contingent on the approval of others. This belief drives them to engage in behaviors that ensure they are liked and accepted.

Cognitive Distortions: Common cognitive distortions in people pleasers include mind reading (assuming others have negative thoughts about them) and catastrophizing (believing rejection will have severe consequences).

2. Emotional and Behavioral Responses:

These cognitive patterns lead to specific emotional responses and behaviors:

Emotional Responses: Fear of rejection, anxiety about displeasing others, and guilt when they cannot meet others' expectations.

Behavioral Responses: Overcommitment, avoidance of conflict, and neglect of personal needs.

3. Consequences:

The impact of people pleasing can be significant:

Mental Health: Chronic stress, anxiety, and depression are common among people pleasers.

Relationships: Relationships can become imbalanced, with the people pleaser often feeling unappreciated and resentful.

Clinical Psychology Perspective:

-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help individuals identify and challenge their cognitive distortions and core beliefs about self-worth and approval. Techniques such as cognitive restructuring and exposure can reduce the anxiety associated with rejection and disapproval.

Schema Therapy: This approach can address underlying schemas related to abandonment, defectiveness, and subjugation that drive people-pleasing behaviors. Schema therapy can help individuals develop healthier, more adaptive ways of relating to others.

Examples:

Jane at Work: Jane always volunteers for extra tasks at work, even when overwhelmed, due to fear of disapproval. She believes saying "no" might make her colleagues or boss think less of her.

Mike and Social Plans: Mike constantly agrees to social plans despite feeling exhausted, driven by fear of rejection. He believes maintaining friendships depends on always being available.

 White Knight Syndrome

1. Definition and Cognitive Basis:

White Knight Syndrome involves a compulsion to rescue others, often to the detriment of the rescuer. Cognitively, it is driven by:

Core Beliefs: White knights often believe they must save others to be valuable. This belief is rooted in a need to feel indispensable and in control.

Cognitive Distortions: Overgeneralization (believing they must always help others) and personalization (feeling responsible for others' well-being).

2. Emotional and Behavioral Responses:

These cognitive patterns result in specific emotional responses and behaviors:

Emotional Responses: Empathy, guilt, and a sense of duty to help.

Behavioral Responses: Intervening in others' problems, offering unsolicited help, and neglecting personal boundaries.

3. Consequences:

The consequences for white knights can be substantial:

Mental Health: Burnout, emotional exhaustion, and decreased self-esteem are common.

Relationships: Relationships can become codependent, with the rescuer feeling overwhelmed and the rescued feeling dependent.

Clinical Psychology Perspective:

Attachment Theory: White Knight Syndrome can be understood through the lens of attachment theory. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may become white knights to ensure closeness and avoid abandonment.

Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): CFT can help white knights develop self-compassion and recognize that their value is not solely based on their ability to help others. This therapy emphasizes balancing compassion for others with compassion for oneself.

Examples:

Sarah's Friend: Sarah frequently offers to solve her friends' personal problems without being asked, driven by a need to feel indispensable.

John's Mediation: John steps in to mediate family disputes, feeling responsible for maintaining harmony, which gives him a sense of control and importance.

Black Knight Syndrome

 Black Knight Syndrome

1. Definition and Cognitive Basis:

Black Knight Syndrome, a less discussed phenomenon, involves a compulsion to control or dominate others under the guise of helping. Cognitively, it is driven by:

Core Beliefs: Black knights often hold beliefs that they know what is best for others and must enforce their will.

Cognitive Distortions: Dichotomous thinking (viewing situations in black and white) and authoritarianism (believing their way is the only correct way).

2. Emotional and Behavioral Responses:

These cognitive patterns lead to specific emotional responses and behaviors:

Emotional Responses: Feelings of superiority, frustration when others do not comply, and a sense of righteousness.

Behavioral Responses: Controlling behaviors, manipulation, and imposing their will on others.

3. Consequences:

The impact of Black Knight Syndrome can be profound:

Mental Health: Increased stress, potential for conflict, and isolation.

Relationships: Relationships can become strained, with the black knight often alienating others through controlling behaviors.

Clinical Psychology Perspective:

Personality Disorders: Black Knight Syndrome behaviors can be associated with personality disorders such as narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, where control and dominance are prevalent features.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): CBT can be beneficial in addressing the black-and-white thinking and emotional regulation issues seen in Black Knight Syndrome. It helps individuals develop more flexible thinking and healthier interpersonal skills.

Examples:

Emma's Advice: Emma insists her friend follow her advice on handling a breakup, driven by a belief in her superior judgment.

David's Work Methods: David pressures coworkers to adopt his methods, disregarding their suggestions, motivated by a need to control and dominate.

Summation

People pleasing, White Knight Syndrome, and Black Knight Syndrome are behaviors rooted in control or the lack there of. Understanding the underlying beliefs and thought patterns that drive these behaviors can help individuals recognize and address them. By challenging these cognitive distortions and developing healthier thought patterns, individuals can improve their mental health, self-esteem, and relationships.

Citations:

- Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 887-907.

- Worthington, E. L. (1988). Dimensions of empathy for tragic events: Racial empathy, and sympathy for self or family members. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 295-318.

- Wurtele, S. K., & McCurdy, K. G. (2006). Preventing child sexual abuse: Sharing the responsibility. American Psychological Association.