Gaslighting II - Is this happening in my relationship?

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that unfolds in several stages, each designed to erode the victim's sense of reality and self-worth. Here’s a breakdown of the stages of gaslighting:

1. Charm and Deception

In the initial stage, the gaslighter often appears charming and trustworthy. They may shower the victim with attention, affection, and compliments, creating a strong emotional bond. This phase, sometimes referred to as "love bombing," sets the stage for future manipulation by establishing trust and dependency. The victim feels special and valued, making it easier for the gaslighter to gain control.

2. Subtle Manipulation

The gaslighter begins to introduce subtle manipulations. They might make small, seemingly insignificant comments that cause the victim to doubt their memory or perception. For example, they might say, "Are you sure you remember that correctly?" or "I think you're overreacting." These comments are designed to make the victim question their own judgment and start relying on the gaslighter's version of events.

3. Escalation

As the victim starts to question themselves, the gaslighter escalates their tactics. They begin to deny events, lie blatantly, and contradict the victim's experiences more frequently. This stage involves more direct attacks on the victim's reality, such as, "That never happened," or "You're imagining things." The victim becomes increasingly confused and starts to doubt their own sanity.

4. Control and Isolation

The gaslighter seeks to isolate the victim from friends, family, and other support systems. They might say things like, "Your friends don't really care about you," or "Your family is just trying to control you." This isolation increases the victim's dependency on the gaslighter for validation and reality checks. The victim feels more alone and more reliant on the gaslighter for emotional support.

5. Confusion and Self-Doubt

The victim becomes increasingly confused and begins to doubt their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. The gaslighter's constant denial and contradiction create a sense of unreality. The victim may start to feel like they are losing their mind and become more reliant on the gaslighter for a sense of stability. This stage is marked by a deep sense of self-doubt and confusion.

6. Emotional Manipulation

The gaslighter uses the victim's emotions against them, manipulating their feelings to maintain control. They might accuse the victim of being too sensitive or emotional, further undermining their confidence. Statements like, "You're too emotional to think clearly," are common in this stage. The victim's emotional responses are used as evidence of their supposed instability.

7. Dependency and Submission

By this stage, the victim is often emotionally exhausted and dependent on the gaslighter for validation and reality checks. They may feel trapped and unable to make decisions without the gaslighter's input. The victim's self-esteem is severely eroded, and they may feel powerless to leave the relationship. The gaslighter has achieved a significant level of control over the victim's thoughts and actions.

8. Long-Term Impact

The effects of gaslighting can be long-lasting, even after the relationship ends. Victims may struggle with trust, self-esteem, and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The psychological scars of gaslighting can take years to heal. The victim may continue to doubt their own perceptions and struggle with feelings of worthlessness.

Examples of Gaslighting Tactics

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing involves giving the victim just enough attention or affection to keep them hooked, but not enough to meet their emotional needs. This tactic keeps the victim in a state of longing and uncertainty, always hoping for more but never fully satisfied. For example, a partner might send sporadic, affectionate messages but never commit to spending quality time together.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is an initial phase where the gaslighter overwhelms the victim with excessive affection, compliments, and attention. This creates a strong emotional bond and dependency. Once the victim is hooked, the gaslighter begins to withdraw and manipulate, leaving the victim confused and desperate to regain the initial affection.

Triangulation

Triangulation involves bringing a third person into the relationship dynamic to create jealousy and competition. The gaslighter might compare the victim unfavorably to someone else, making them feel inadequate and more dependent on the gaslighter's approval.

Hoovering

Hoovering occurs when the gaslighter tries to suck the victim back into the relationship after a period of separation or conflict. They might use charm, apologies, or promises of change to lure the victim back, only to resume the abusive behavior once the victim is re-engaged.

Gaslighting by Proxy

Gaslighting by proxy involves enlisting others to help manipulate the victim. The gaslighter might convince friends, family, or colleagues to join in the manipulation, further isolating and confusing the victim. For example, they might spread false information about the victim to others, who then unknowingly reinforce the gaslighter's narrative.

Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where the gaslighter ignores the victim, making them feel invisible and unworthy. This tactic creates anxiety and desperation in the victim, who may go to great lengths to regain the gaslighter's attention and approval.

Gaslighting is a deeply harmful form of emotional abuse that can have severe and lasting effects on the victim. Recognizing the signs and seeking support is crucial for anyone experiencing this form of manipulation

Work Cited

• Brown, Brené. "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead." Penguin Random House, 2015.

• Frankl, Viktor E. "Man's Search for Meaning." Beacon Press, 2006.

• Hay, Louise. "You Can Heal Your Life." Hay House Inc., 1984.

• Jung, Carl G. "Memories, Dreams, Reflections." Vintage, 1989.

• Lorde, Audre. "The Cancer Journals." Aunt Lute Books, 1980.

• Roosevelt, Eleanor. "You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life." Harper Perennial, 1983.

• Rumi. "The Essential Rumi." Translated by Coleman Barks, HarperOne, 2004.