Why am I always choosing the wrong person?
- Nov 9, 2024
- 8 min read
Updated: Jan 27
Selecting a partner is a multifaceted decision influenced by a variety of psychological, social, and emotional factors. Understanding the complexities of this process involves delving into theories from prominent psychologists such as John Bowlby, Sigmund Freud, John Gottman, and Gary Chapman. Each of these theorists provides a unique perspective on how our attachment styles, upbringing, past experiences, expectations, and love languages impact our partner selection.
Attachment Styles and John Bowlby
John Bowlby, a pioneer in attachment theory, proposed that our early relationships with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence our romantic relationships. According to Bowlby, there are four main attachment styles:
1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have healthy, trusting relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and independence, which makes them more likely to select partners who can reciprocate their emotional needs.
- Example: Someone with a secure attachment style may seek a partner who provides emotional support and is also comfortable with their independence.
2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: These individuals often seek constant reassurance and may struggle with self-worth. They might choose partners who provide excessive attention or validation.
- Example: A person with an anxious attachment style might select a partner who is overly attentive, even if it leads to a codependent relationship.
3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: These individuals are often emotionally distant and value independence over closeness. They may select partners who do not demand emotional intimacy.
- Example: Someone with an avoidant attachment style might choose a partner who is equally independent and not overly emotionally demanding.
4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: These individuals desire closeness but fear vulnerability. They may struggle to select partners who meet their conflicting needs for intimacy and distance.
- Example: A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style might oscillate between pursuing and withdrawing from their partner.
Bowlby's work suggests that these attachment styles are deeply rooted in our early experiences with caregivers. The consistency, responsiveness, and emotional availability of caregivers can shape our expectations and behaviors in romantic relationships. For instance, a child who experienced consistent and nurturing care is more likely to develop a secure attachment style, which promotes healthy and stable adult relationships.
Upbringing and Sigmund Freud
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, emphasized the role of early childhood experiences in shaping our adult relationships. Freud believed that our relationships with our parents influence our partner selection through the Oedipus and Electra complexes. According to Freud:
1. Oedipus Complex: Boys may develop unconscious desires for their mothers and view their fathers as rivals. This complex can influence their future partner choices.
- Example: A man may seek partners who resemble his mother in terms of nurturing behavior or physical traits.
2. Electra Complex: Girls may develop unconscious desires for their fathers and view their mothers as rivals. This complex can influence their future partner choices.
- Example: A woman may seek partners who embody qualities she admired in her father, such as protection or provision.
Freud also highlighted the role of repression, where unresolved childhood conflicts can manifest in adult relationships. Individuals may unconsciously seek partners who allow them to reenact and resolve these conflicts.
Freud's theories suggest that our early relationships with our parents and caregivers can create patterns that we repeat in our adult relationships. These patterns can be both conscious and unconscious, and they can influence our partner selection in profound ways. For instance, a person who experienced neglect or abuse in childhood may unconsciously seek out partners who replicate those dynamics, as a way to work through unresolved trauma.
Past Experiences and John Gottman
John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, has extensively studied the dynamics of successful and unsuccessful relationships. His methodology focuses on identifying behaviors that predict relationship satisfaction and stability. Gottman's research highlights the following aspects:
1. Love Maps: Knowledge about a partner’s inner world, including their hopes, dreams, and fears, is crucial for relationship success. Couples with detailed love maps are more likely to have satisfying relationships.
- Example: A person who values deep emotional connection might seek a partner who is open about their thoughts and feelings.
2. Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and respect for one’s partner is essential. Past experiences where one felt valued may lead them to seek similar dynamics in future relationships.
- Example: Someone who experienced affirming relationships in the past may look for a partner who consistently shows admiration and respect.
3. Turning Toward vs. Turning Away: How partners respond to each other’s bids for attention and support is critical. Positive experiences with responsiveness may influence partner selection.
- Example: A person who felt ignored or dismissed in past relationships might prioritize finding a partner who is attentive and responsive.
Gottman's work emphasizes the importance of emotional connection and responsiveness in relationships. His research suggests that individuals who have experienced positive relationship dynamics in the past are more likely to seek out and maintain healthy relationships in the future. Conversely, negative past experiences can create patterns of behavior that undermine relationship satisfaction.
Expectations and Modern Perspectives
Expectations play a significant role in partner selection. These expectations can be shaped by cultural norms, personal ideals, and social influences. Modern perspectives incorporate the following aspects:
1. Cultural Norms: Societal expectations regarding gender roles, marriage, and family can influence partner selection.
- Example: In some cultures, individuals may prioritize finding partners who align with traditional gender roles or familial expectations.
2. Personal Ideals: Individual beliefs about what constitutes an ideal partner can shape selection criteria.
- Example: Someone who values intellectual compatibility may seek a partner with similar educational background and interests.
3. Social Influences: Friends, family, and media can shape expectations and preferences in partner selection.
- Example: Peer influence might lead someone to prioritize finding a partner who fits a certain social or professional status.
Modern perspectives on partner selection recognize the complex interplay of personal, social, and cultural factors. These factors can create expectations that influence how we perceive potential partners and what we prioritize in relationships.
Love Languages and Gary Chapman
Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages, which identifies five primary ways people express and receive love. Understanding your own and your partner’s love language can significantly influence relationship satisfaction. The five love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation: Expressing love through verbal appreciation, compliments, and positive affirmations.
- Example: A person who feels loved through words of affirmation might value a partner who frequently expresses their appreciation and admiration verbally.
2. Acts of Service: Showing love through helpful actions and thoughtful deeds.
- Example: Someone who values acts of service might appreciate a partner who helps with daily tasks or surprises them with acts of kindness.
3. Receiving Gifts: Feeling loved through the giving and receiving of thoughtful gifts.
- Example: A person who feels appreciated through gifts may seek a partner who enjoys giving and receiving small tokens of love.
4. Quality Time: Valuing undivided attention and shared activities.
- Example: Someone who prioritizes quality time might look for a partner who enjoys spending uninterrupted time together, engaging in meaningful conversations and activities.
5. Physical Touch: Expressing love through physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, and holding hands.
- Example: A person who feels connected through physical touch may seek a partner who is comfortable with physical affection.
Understanding love languages can help partners communicate their needs more effectively and foster deeper emotional connections. Recognizing and honoring each other's love languages can lead to more satisfying and fulfilling relationships.
Other considerations
One moment please... I thought I'd add in additional theoretical info for consideration that also impact our of selection process and how we manage relationships.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, delves deeply into the subconscious patterns formed in childhood that influence our adult romantic relationships. Here's a detailed exploration of how IRT explains partner selection, with a focus on inner wounds:
The Core Concepts of Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago Formation:
Unconscious Blueprint: The term "imago" refers to an unconscious, composite image of the people who influenced us most strongly in our early years, usually our caregivers. This imago represents a mix of both their positive and negative traits.
Healing and Reparation: According to IRT, we are unconsciously drawn to partners who embody aspects of our imago. This attraction offers an opportunity to work through unresolved childhood issues and achieve emotional healing and growth.
Inner Child Wounds:
Emotional Injuries: Inner child wounds refer to the emotional injuries and unmet needs we carry from childhood. These wounds are often the result of experiences where we felt unloved, unimportant, or unsafe.
Impact on Partner Choice: These inner wounds influence our partner selection as we seek relationships that can either replicate the familiar pain (in an unconscious attempt to master it) or provide the healing we long for. Our partners often reflect the very traits that caused our emotional wounds in the first place.
Recreating Childhood Dynamics: We tend to choose partners who reflect the emotional environment of our early family life. This can include traits that were both nurturing and challenging, as we seek to recreate and resolve past conflicts.
Compensatory Needs: By choosing a partner who resembles our imago, we attempt to fulfill unmet childhood needs. For example, if a person felt unloved or unvalued as a child, they may choose a partner who initially provides the missing affection or validation.
Unconscious Motivation:
Healing Through Relationship: The unconscious mind is motivated to seek partners who can help us work through unfinished business from childhood. These relationships present opportunities for growth but can also bring about conflicts reminiscent of our early life experiences.
Projection and Transference: In relationships, individuals may project their unresolved issues onto their partners, expecting them to heal these old wounds. This dynamic can lead to both intense bonding and conflict.
If God one day struck me blind, your beauty I'd still see..Prince
Inner Child Wounds and Their Impact on Relationships
Repetition Compulsion:
Seeking Familiarity: People often unconsciously seek out partners who exhibit traits similar to their caregivers, especially those that relate to unresolved childhood wounds. This phenomenon is known as repetition compulsion, where individuals recreate familiar dynamics in an attempt to resolve them.
Example: A person who felt neglected by their parents might choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable, hoping to finally gain the attention and validation they craved as a child.
Healing Opportunities:
Pathway to Healing: Relationships can provide a unique opportunity to address and heal inner child wounds. By recognizing and understanding these patterns, partners can work together to create new, healthier dynamics.
Example: Through conscious effort and therapy, a person who felt unloved in childhood can learn to accept love and care from their partner, thereby healing old wounds.
Conflict as a Catalyst:
Growth Through Conflict: Conflicts in relationships often mirror unresolved childhood issues. These conflicts can serve as catalysts for growth and healing when approached with awareness and empathy.
Example: A couple might argue about trust issues, with each partner projecting their past insecurities. By addressing these projections, they can build a stronger, more trusting relationship.
Empathy and Understanding:
Building Connection: Understanding each other's inner child wounds fosters empathy and deepens the emotional connection between partners. This understanding can transform conflicts into opportunities for greater intimacy and resilience.
Example: When one partner feels triggered by a seemingly minor issue, the other partner can offer support and understanding, recognizing that the reaction may stem from deeper, unresolved pain.
Conclusion
The complexities of selecting a partner involve a confluence of attachment styles, upbringing, past experiences, expectations, and love languages. The theories of Bowlby, Freud, Gottman, and Chapman provide valuable insights into how these factors influence our decisions in partner selection. Understanding these influences can lead to more informed and healthier choices in romantic relationships.
By being aware of our attachment styles, reflecting on our upbringing, learning from past experiences, managing our expectations, and understanding love languages, we can navigate the intricate process of selecting a partner with greater clarity and confidence. This holistic understanding can pave the way for fulfilling and resilient relationships.
This comprehensive exploration underscores the importance of self-awareness and reflection in the partner selection process. By considering the insights from these psychological theories, individuals can make more informed and satisfying choices in their romantic relationships
